thinking too much

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I’m not as upset by what happened but by what happens now. I did everything I was supposed to do and it was the way things turned out with Callie. My hands are still full around here with the rest of the pets and my mind just keeps racing, trying to find a piece to fixate on and make my existence with them CLICK.

I wondered if I should take a row down off the pig pen now that there are only three. I don’t think I’m going to but I keep wondering if I should.

My small cat that came in as a stray this spring ends up with signs of infection in her mouth. I knew how bad her teeth were when she moved in with me and I used my teeth scaler to pop a piece of calculus off her lower left canine so that the gums may rest a little more naturally. Now that Callie is gone I need to focus on Amalie. I asked a family member for help cosigning on a Care Credit account. I’m moving as fast as I can but I still need to wait this out. Amalie has an appointment for Tuesday morning for her dental. She has no history on vaccines or tests so Dismal fronted $92 and I went to a mobile clinic Saturday morning and had her test and vaccines and microchip. Luckily she’s tested negative for FelV. I was 50/50 on that. She spent a year outside and my other cats had already tested negative and were vaccinated for it. I didn’t think he would have it and spread it to the others. One less thing to worry about now.

I need to make it through Tuesday. After Ama goes to the vet I have people coming over for a home inspection and then later I pick Ama back up from the animal hospital. I assume by that time I’ll have received the invoice for all of Callie’s charges for the house call and the needles and medication and whatever amount of anesthesia they used to cut her open and find out she had inoperable cancer.

Then I look back at the pig pen; Three guinea pigs: Old, middle and young. It’s not a herd anymore. I remember starting out with Cabby and getting her Coco and then having my ex boyfriend add Chai to it. Then I worked up from there, creating this larger wheeking family that was all mine. Chai is still here.
When is it going to be her turn to die? When I am going to be left with just a pair of sows?

Every time one leaves, it stings. Every time that my dynamic changes as it relates to my pets, I feel lost. Every time it happens it reminds me of all the losses before. Then I get angry. I have had so much and lost a bunch of it. My life slows down and I try to keep the pace of it aggressive.

I used to order 50 lbs of hay and 50 lbs of pellets every other month.
I’m at 10-20 lbs of pellets and either a 10 or a 20 lb of hay every other month.

So damn confusing.

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